Something that's been on my mind lately are weight and healthy eating. And while I've never had an eating disorder, I do struggle with body image. My weight has fluctuated a lot in the past 12 years, here are some of the memories that stick out the most to me...
I guess it all started (or came to a head) last week when a coworker Im friends with asked me how my training was going and then commented how I eat "so healthy." ugh. Not the first time this has happened in the lunch room. I never make comments about their choices of food- like "wow! Even if you can pronounce the chemicals in your frozen dinner, do you even know what they are and what health problems they cause?" this happens almost daily when I go sit in there. This week I decided to eat in my office because I like the quiet, no TV, no mindless chit chat and only my thoughts and the rumbling of the EL every once in a while to keep me company. I'm loving this.
This got me thinking about when I was in high school many moons ago and ran a couple of seasons of cross country. My weight was around 90-95 lbs, mainly because of good genes, super quick metabolism and of course, running. I got sick at lunch one day and when I went to the school nurse, she flat out asked me if I was anorexic or had some other eating disorder. I was even called back to the nurse a few weeks later only to be asked the same questions agin, which I might have answered rudely with something like "I run cross country- have you seen the other faster runners? I eat like a pig and my parents are pretty skinny too." **I have no desire to ever be this thin again. The health issues I faced which contributed to my numerous running injuries in such a short period of time have convinced me this is an unhealthy weight for me.**
Almost 5 years ago I was leaving a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship and was sick to my stomach with stress about what direction my life would take next. For about 2 months I didn't have an appetite, and mainly ate roasted veggie tacos... when I was hungry. I saw a photo of myself from this period of time and was shocked at how gaunt I looked.
After picking up the pieces of a shattered life, I put myself back together again and "fattened up." Then I found my old friend, running again. After 4 marathons in the past 2 years, I hadn't lost much, if any weight while training. I used the whole- "I just ran 17 miles, I can eat whatever I want" excuse which caused me to gain some weight (along with the much slower metabolism of a near 30 year old).
Now, while seriously attempting a BQ run in the fall, I'm being more diligent about indulging in food (less often) without denying myself proper nutrition so I can drop some lbs the healthy way. This means more veggies, lean meats and very few processed foods. It also means around 2 beers a week instead of the usual 4-6. And I'm starting to see and feel results.
The main problem I'm finding is that seeing results on the scale can be addictive- as well as the feeling of working out. Once I hit my goal weight in another 6-8 lbs, I will need to work harder to maintain that weight than the effort to lose it. And I have no doubt it will be a challenge. I can see how working out, eating very clean and losing weight along with seeing "the ideal" of very lean models in print and in TV can cause disordered eating.
- xaar
oh how I can relate on so many levels of this post!
ReplyDeleteits always refreshing to realize that we arent alone in our struggles (and pet peeves! ugh..coworkers and their food comments!)
Very good post. I was overweight for high school/college and then started to lose the weight. I did go too far with it as well because I was just in that mode but luckily I figured out the correct balance but I can definitely relate to struggles with it and body image.
ReplyDeleteI relate and definitely find it can be very hard to keep that balance. At the moment I am struggling with the "I just ran for 2 hours so I can eat a whole grocery store" mentality and I haven't stepped on a scale in months. I actually try to avoid weighing myself because it becomes addictive, too - if I'm up a couple of pounds one day versus the day before for no apparent reason, then I get frustrated. But good for you for eating as healthy as you can and being conscious of the choices that you make. I need to be better about it myself!
ReplyDeleteYES! I find myself stepping on the scale too much and getting frustrated with a few lbs+ or down... Now i try to just do it the same time each week for consistency, and also before/after long runs to see if im hydrating properly.
DeleteWhen I was training for Chicago (of which I made it up to 17 miles before I was injured, yuck), I seriously went to Chipotle all of the time. Now, I'm with you! Even though I am not back up to higher mileage, I am really trying to be more conscious of what I put in my body. It sounds like you're in a good place, and I hope all of these smart choices help contribute to your BQ! You've been working so hard with your training!
ReplyDeleteInteresting, I think I've been on somewhat the same weight rollercoaster you were on in life - in high school I was insanely skinny. I think I was 5'9", 130 lbs or so. All skin and bones, but that might have been one reason why I was super fast in high school, less weight to carry.
ReplyDeleteThen in college I got bigger due to eating not as good, and drinking, etc. Then over the last couple years I lost weight again and got close to what my body looked like in high school (5'11", 155 to 160 lbs). That felt like a comfortable weight to me.
If someone tells me I eat healthy, it try to take it as a compliment, because it likely means I'm doing my body a service by feeding it right.
We have had similar backgrounds with marathons and weight :) You're right, taking the "healthy comments" as compliments is the best thing to do. I think I just got overloaded this week and know there was no malice behind it.
DeleteGood for you for eating healthier now, and still indulging. Like many other commenters, I eat too much because I workout so much (and am an emotional eater). I wish I could get my eating act down, I think I would be a decent runner!
ReplyDeleteKeep us involved as you get to your feel good weight and work on staying there! It is hard to not want to keep losing, but it sounds like you have a past history of knowing when you were too thin, so you have a good idea of where you will feel the best!
I love cheese, bread and beer/wine to much to give it up. Indulging is a nice "spice" to add to the healthy foods. I'll keep updating on my progress with the weight. Im with you on thinking that losing a few lbs can make a better runner- perhaps its all psychological though :)
DeleteI've lost about 30 pounds in the past year and a half, and while I think I have a healthy attitude toward food (eat to run instead of running to eat, although I do like to indulge if something tastes good and I need to get better about cravings), I can see how easily I could slip into disordered eating.
ReplyDeleteBut I am SO GLAD that I now work in an office of mostly men. My last office was a lot of women, including one in particular who really struggled with her weight, and she was always commenting on my weight loss and what I ate. Now? NOBODY comments on what I eat, other than my addiction to Chipotle (and that's really only in the sense of "Where do you want to get lunch today? Chipotle again?")
Congrats on the weight loss! Thats an amazing accomplishment. Yes, i think it is easy to get into disordered eating. But indulging with food that makes us happy is good for us :)
DeleteYour office sounds fantastic!
I think we might be sharing a brain this week :) Its something that has been bothering me lately as well. Mostly "why aren't i getting any faster? Maybe i should lose a few lbs?" And i probably should, but i think i really need to focus on what fuel is...2000 calories of gummy bears and 2000 calories of grains and protein probably fuel a runner very differently....
ReplyDeleteAh Char, I have been thinking this same thing for a while! I was always chunky, up until I turned 20. Though it really did help working at Equinox, such a fancy gym, ya gotta take advantage! I lost about 20 pounds working with a personal trainer and, well, again, working in a gym makes fitness a part of you and you always have time for it. Though I will admit, I wasn't always the healthiest, I was obsessive and many nights I ate a can of green beans for dinner (after an 8 hour work day plus a 1 hour PT session and then usually 20 mins of cardio.) I've definitely put on about 5-7 lbs and it makes all the difference in the world in how I feel and how easily I get tired now. I have got to do something about it, especially since running will be so much easier once I drop a few!
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